I Am NOT A Unique Snowflake

Thoughts from www.MarcoArash.com

The Tears Of A Clown

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Things aren’t always as they appear.
Growing up I saw many things that I now see with a different light.

My teachers were not as intelligent as I gave them credit for.
My car was not as fast as I thought it actually was.
My parents loved me more than I ever thought they did.

Looking at objects or other people and analyzing them takes a bit of skill but not much. The true challenge lies in looking deep inside yourself and seeking to find what YOU actually are.

People see me as a confident, outgoing, funny and socially-open individual.
They see me as someone who is always the highlight of the occasion, continuously smiling and brightening the days of others.

If only they could see the real me.

I have a very brittle heart.

The subtlest of rude, cruel or malicious words cause ripples of feelings to hit me and shake me. Ill approach the hurt with sarcasm, fight fire with fire, or I’ll blatantly ignore or dismiss it, but inside I’m wounded deeply.

When I was younger, if I would ever talk back to my mother or get in an argument with my father, I would not be able to be myself again, unless I knew that I had their forgiveness and that it was genuine on my behalf. I would always ask myself how I could ever dream of being hurtful to the people responsible for giving me birth.

Very few people have had the opportunity to see me in this dismal state.
They are usually quite shocked to see a confident and strong-minded person break down in front of them. In most cases, it frightens them. I assume this is because it is the polar opposite of what I am like 99f the time.

In the past, I have been hit the hardest emotionally, when I have (or thought I had) lost someone very dear to me.

When my best friend and I got into one of only two fights we have ever had, we didn’t speak to each other for weeks. I was dying inside, but out of pride, I never showed the pain to him. The torment was all reserved for myself.

When intimate relationships have ended with loved ones, I have broken down to a sad and pitiful sight. I am extremely selective of whom I get attached to, but when I do; I invest all my emotions in them (even though I may not always show it).

I look at others who have gone through emotional pain and ask myself how they are able to recover so easily and quickly from it. Do they have a gift or are they simply skilled in masking or suppressing their sadness?

In addition to this question, I have also asked myself, Do I want to be blessed like others?

When I am in a time of serious mental sadness, the only thing I want is to have a solution to my problems. However, would I ever of been able to cherish someone as deeply or believe in someone as much as I have, if it wasn’t for the way in which I am feeling afterwards?

I dont believe so.
The sweet is never as sweet, without the sour.
I guess, the pain can be described (in a twisted way) as a beautiful sadness because you would never of been able to experience this amount of heartache if it wasn’t for the amount of happiness the situation had provided you with in the past.

I am a clown.
And these are my tears that I never show to the world.


November 14, 2005 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment